if i was to write everything i feel, i would fill a million pages, and, at the same time, nothing. i would only write  about you. i don't really know, but at the same time, it's the most obvious thing ever. i miss you. i just miss you. your smell, your touch, your voice and your lips. i miss the way you made me feel: truly loved, desired, needed. no one ever made me feel like you did. you made me happy. or the closest i can possibly be. and then you left. at first, i pretended i was okay with it. that, even though i missed you, i wouldn't fall, because i was a stronger person. because YOU made me a stronger, better person. i really thought i wouldn't let myself fall. and i was able to do it for awhile. i smiled, laughed, put on make up, went out with friends, smoked, drank, smoked weed, put a tunnel on my ear and started to talk with boys in a different way. and i was somewhat happy. and didn't think about you, us or anything that could remind me we ever existed. and then, one night, one simple heartless night, i realised i was pretending. i dind't know myself anymore. that crazy, NUMB person wasn't me. that was why i didn't miss you. because if i wasn't myself, i couldn't miss someone that had given me so much. i loved it. i loved not knowing the boundaries to my own behaviour. and i hated it that i loved being such a fool. it wasn't meant to be that way. i wasn't meant to be broken, because we weren't meant to break up. so... i was acting like you never existed. i was blocking the very image i had of you. i no longer remembered how you talked to me. how your lips felt on my neck and your hands on my body. i no longer recalled you ever calling me princess or telling me that you loved me. i could no longer feel anything, because you were what, WHO, made me even feel anything. i was numb before i met you. and i had never felt so happy like i did when we kissed for the first time. do you remember? i cried when i told you i loved you for the first time. and when you said it back, i just felt like i had died and gone to heaven. you know why i cried? because it was the first time i truly knew what LOVE was. real love, uncondiotional love for someone other than my family. i was whole. i was me again. i had been acting like i was fine for three years before you came along. he destroyed me. he took my soul and a part of me i thought i could never get back. he took my happiness, my joy to live. he made me want to die. he made me try to kill myself three times. he made me hurt myself and have scars for the rest of my life. he made me feel like i wasn't good enough for anything or for anyone. he raped me.  thought i could never feel like i did with you again. i thought... for a second i thought i would be happy. and i was happy. even though we argued like there was no tomorrow, we also loved each other the same. we still do. at least, i still do. no matter how much we argued, i always kept in my mind how you made me feel. i knew that there was no one else in the world that could make me feel as safe as you did. i am afraid to walk alone on the street, you know? but... i do it anyway. because of the rush. because now that you're gone, i like to picture you coming out of nowhere and saving me. i imagine you coming up to me and kissing me, without even giving me a chance to push you. i picture us together, all the time, and when i realise that's not true, i just... i just miss you more. it all comes down to this: me missing you and almost begging for something that is not mine. i am afraid you'll forget me. i am afraid you'll forget the sound of my voice telling you i love you. i'm scared that you never remember my lips, my eyes, my body, my smell and my hair again. you know what i've been doing? listening to justin bieber. i know, right? i hated him. well, he reminds me of you, and maybe i am crazy enough to feel you a little bit closer everytime i listen to him or i see a picture or video. speaking of picture, i have ours with mack and margarida still here...you know i loved that concert. it was so perfect on so many levels... i was with you... they played our song and we made out the whole time. it was the best moment we had. well, maybe not the best, but it's definitely on my top 10. speaking of concerts... i know you went to see justin bieber. and i remembered pat. did she go with you? i actually have no idea, but i know she's addicted to him. maybe that's why she liked you so much... it hurt, seeing you with her... i thought you were completely over me. i thouht you had moved on less than a month after we broke up. i thought i meant nothing to you... i thought you never loved me, and still, i knew you did. because i felt it. and i miss us. i miss us just holding each other on a park bench. i miss us at the cinema, holding hands. i miss us talking on the phone for hours, 'till the sun came up. i miss us glued to each other. i miss you holding me against a wall and kissing me with desire. with an urge that could only mean you felt me as much as i felt you. i miss every single detail about you and me. i just... i still hope you'll come back. am i delusional? i love you. i love you like no one else ever will.